Politics and Self Deception: Part One

One of the theories that has impacted my consulting most profoundly over the last several years comes from the work of the Arbinger Institute. The two books from this group have helped guide me to a vision of the absolute practical and financial benefits of collaboration in the workplace. The books are: “The Anatomy of Peace – Resolving the Heart of Conflict,” and “Leadership and Self Deception – Getting out of the Box.” This work offers a relatively unique perspective of how and why collaboration can break down in our relationships.  In both of these books it is suggested that when we engage in any act of self betrayal, i.e., acting in any way against our own sense of what is the right thing to do in any given situation, we naturally begin creating a path of self-deception. We begin fooling ourselves in a way that impedes objectivity and truth.  An act of self-betrayal may be anything from not going out of our way to help someone who may be in need of our help, to not honestly confronting someone or a situation when appropriate, to not acknowledging the truth of a situation. According to Arbinger, when we engage in an act of self betrayal we automatically begin justifying our action. We begin to amplify our own virtues and extend blame to others. We end up in what Arbinger describes as a “box.” The box is a lens through which we objectify others in order to justify ourselves. This is the concept of self deception; we are seeing others through a distorted lens due to our need to justify our own actions. We are not truly seeing them objectively, but amplify their faults and our virtues. We know we are in a box when we objectify others.

I believe most of us end up in this situation at times. Beyond the Arbinger concept I believe we may end up “in the box” for other reasons than self betrayal, such as disappointments or negative experiences with others. Regardless of the cause, I agree that we are “in the box” when we objectify others. This happens in traffic all the time. Think about it – have you ever called someone you don’t even know a name because you were frustrated by their driving (or just by the darn traffic jam)? Do we objectify our leaders or our subordinates in the workplace when they don’t live up to our expectations? The “us/them” that occurs in many workplaces is a process of objectification and justification.

A further concept from Arbinger is that when we are in a “box,” we enter into collusion with others in which we invite the very behaviors we least want from them.  If instead of supporting my co-worker, I regularly correct them, they may begin to resist me. I may in fact, know more than they do and have valuable things to teach them. However, instead of focusing on their success – helping things go right for them, I focus on correcting what they do “wrong.” I may begin to see them as inferior or disinterested. When I do this, I invite greater resistance. The more they resist, the less they learn and the more I have to correct and the more I see them as a problem. This is a circle of collusion in which we are both inviting the very behaviors from one another we least want. This is the opposite of collaboration. Collusion is working around our perceived deficits of others. Collaboration is bringing out the best in one another in partnership.

 The Arbinger theory encourages us to take responsibility for our own box, to get out of our box, focus on helping things go right vs. focusing on correcting others, and to stay out of the box by practicing and acting according to what we know is right.

Once in a training program in which I was describing the Arbinger theory, one of the participants asked me this: “Is it possible for a group to be in a box with an individual or another group?” WOW! What a concept – think about different departments in a workplace that could potentially get into boxes with one another – Sales and Operations, Accounting and Business Development, R&D and I.T. Is there ever generalized objectification and justification between these groups? Do they ever collude in inviting the very behaviors they don’t want from the other? Then we think about even bigger realities like religion and politics…

In my next blog I will examine the Arbinger model applied to groups and politics.

Patrick Hiester MA, LPC
Vice President of BizPsych

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References: “Leadership and Self Deception: Getting out of the Box,” “The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict.” The Arbinger Institute.  Berrett-Koehler Publishers Inc.

Respectful Workplace – Paying Attention to Your Emotional Wake

Recently, BizPsych was asked to host a webinar on “The Respectful Workplace” for a client company.  This title of this training, “The Respectful Workplace,” has often been a useful and polite cover for harassment training. In fact, I often recommend using this title, as it is the fundamental concept of respect that is at the heart of understanding harassment and sexual harassment. In this case however, the organization wanted us to explore respect in the workplace in terms of values, attitudes, and behaviors that promote and maintain respect. In planning for the webinar it occurred to us that communication is a key concept in the experience of either respect or disrespect in the workplace. So, we decided to focus on tips and insights that may be useful in promoting respectful communication in the workplace.

Difficult, Crucial, and Fierce Conversations
There are many books, theories and approaches that tackle the subject of challenging communication in the workplace (and outside of the workplace). The value of effective conversation in the workplace has been researched and demonstrated. The literature on the subject has further promoted implementing these communication modalities. We chose to focus on the concept of essential and effective conversations, as a method in sharing practical tools to enhance respect in the workplace. In this blog, I will focus on one of the seven principles from Susan Scott’s work, “Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and Life One Conversation at a Time.” This was also shared during the webinar.

“Principal 6: Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Wake”
This concept is key to the consideration of respect in the workplace. “Emotional Wake” has to do with how we come across to others – “what you remember after I’m gone” (Scott, pg. 187). The author uses the image of a boat speeding through a slow zone and the effect that the boat’s wake leaves on the calm waters. This wake symbolizes the impression that we leave after a conversation or interaction with another. Your wake is what people remember about you and how they describe you to others. This can be a tricky concept, as others perceive you through their own filters. Your wake is a combination of what and how you say and do, and how others perceive this. You may not be remembered in the way you intend; hence, the need to pay even greater attention to your wake, i.e. your impact and not merely your intent. Ms. Scott quotes a CEO, frustrated with workplace communication (pg. 191):

“What I get to say is not what I want to say,

       Is not what they listen to,

            is not what they hear,

                is not what they understand,

                     is not what they remember when I’m gone.

                           What do I want them to remember when I’m gone?

                                    I need to say that, and only that…clearly!”

What  You Don’t Say
Your wake is also significantly determined by what you don’t say. This has to do with expressing appreciation, acknowledgement, and listening. I find that as I age, more and more people are only focused on their own needs and interests. They just don’t listen. They may be fascinating people, but part of their wake to me is that my needs and interests are not important to them. Is that how we want to be remembered? Appreciation is “value-creating.” Expressing appreciation is helpful when creating desired emotional wake.

Self Respect
We may encounter situations in the workplace in which people have created such negative wakes with one another that they begin to give up on their relationships altogether and are deadlocked in conflict. All they see is the negative wake of the other, and this perception may continue to amplify over time. In these situations, it is clearly essential to “check out” our perceptions of others. It often happens that each person has built up and reinforced erroneous, negative assumptions about the other. It is just as important in these situations to have “fierce conversations” with ourselves. Our own lives must be working and positive in order for us to leave a positive wake; the wake we choose and want. These can be the most challenging times to consider our own emotional wake. What we frequently see is individuals making the choice to simply protect themselves by pulling back and withdrawing from the relationship. While this may seem to be a better choice than engaging in conflict, the result will further drive the “negative wake.” In this case, people are neglecting the need for appreciation and acknowledgement of the other. The most respectful choice may be to look inward and recognize the need for internal change, rather than attempt to control the situation through inauthentic defenses.

Eliminate “The Load”
“The Load” is the unspoken tone underneath the words we use, or sometimes the choice of words we use. These are implied meanings, either unintended or at times intended. This could be a “sugary sweet” cover up for a deflection or dig. It could also be an aggressive and threatening tone. We don’t have total control over others’ perceptions of us; however, we do have influence and can increase this influence by paying attention to what our intentions are, being mindful of our word choices and non-verbal’s, and eliminating the “loads”  from our conversations. Practicing mindfulness may be the best way to achieve this. Mindfulness is observing ourselves in a way that allows us to see our behavior as objectively as possible and without judgment. This is a mirror to the self. The more we can develop this capacity, the more we can experience our emotional wake as others might experience it.

Conclusion
Respect in the workplace is a value to all of us. It is essential to productivity, teamwork, and job satisfaction. Respect must also be an expectation of the organization. We see the fallout when respect has broken down in the workplace. There are many elements to creating and maintaining a respectful workplace. Learning and practicing effective and respectful conversations is one of the best tools we can offer. This is especially true in difficult and challenging situations. It is not the challenging situation itself that is the problem. Disagreement and conflict are normal in any healthy workplace. How we handle these situations is the key to maintaining respect. Paying attention to our emotional wake is our first and primary responsibility in what, and how, we contribute to this end.

“There are people who take the heart out of you and there are people who put it back.”
-Elizabeth David, from Fierce Conversations

Patrick Hiester MA, LPC
Vice President of BizPsych

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Scott, Susan. (2002) Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and Life One Conversation at a Time. LOCATION: Berkley.